flashback

**Attention! This is a loooong entry!**

flashback..

It is the year 2006

I open my eyes. My room is dark except for a tiny light coming from the kitchen.Ecah, my roomate is fast asleep. Her back is facing me. I can see her white earphones hanging from her ears.

She's always does that, listen to her walk-man before going to sleep. Sometimes, if I'm lucky we'll talk until both of us fall asleep. I stared at her for awhile. I wish she's awake.

The room is fairly quiet apart from the sound of our standing fan turning.

I closed my eyes again.

"Kalau Aisyah tak boleh tidur, baca surah Al Ikhlas 3 kali. Nanti insyaAllah boleh tidur", I remembered my mum's advice.

I start to recite the surah, and pray that Allah will make it easy for me to sleep.


flashback..

It is the year 1999

I open my eyes. Shoot! Not again. I look at the watch, it is 2am.

I started to feel scared. It has been like this for awhile; me, waking up in the middle of the night for no reason.

I closed my eyes again, and force myself to sleep. I kept telling myself that it is morning in another country, so I'm not the only one awake -I'm not alone. But all I could think of is somebody something is watching me.

I pulled my blanket high, covering my legs, afraid that maybe syaitan will pull me if he sees my bare feet.

"Cikin, bangun la. Akak tak boleh tidur. Teman la akak"

I shaked her body, desperate for her to wake up. She shove me off, utter some words of "Tidur je la akak" or "Alaa akak nieee!". Then she fell asleep again. Easy.

I wish papa is here. He'll make me warm milk and wait beside me until I fell asleep.

I make no attempt to wake her up again. I got myself closer to her, so that my body is touching her body, so when she breathe I can hear her breathe and when she's making a slight movement, I can feel her body moving.

I let my mind wander, finding comfort of my own imagination.

And I wait, for the azan subuh to be called.


flashback..

It is the year 1994

Aisyah terbangun lagi. Sebelah kanan aisyah katil mama dan papa, dan sebelah kiri aisyah, Cikin tengah peluk bantal peluk dia.

Mama dan papa dah tidur. Syikin pun dah tidur. Kenapa papa tak mendengkur? Sunyi sangat bilik, aisyah tak suka. Aisyah tak suka. Aisyah tak suka.

Haa, bunyi kereta lalu! Aisyah suka.Tapi, nanti sunyi balik. Bunyi jam bilik je dengar.

Tik..tik..tik..tik

Tiba-tiba aisyah terdengar bunyi tu. Bunyi yang selalu buat aisyah sejuk-sejuk badan. Bunyi motor lalu terowong. Perlahan-lahan bunyi enjin semakin hilang. Macam orang tu finally meninggalkan dunia ni. Tiba-tiba teringatkan conversation aisyah dengan Kak Yana masa balik Pahang dulu.

"Kak Yana, nanti kita kat akhirat buat apa?" aisyah tanya sambil duduk di tangga di rumah Mak Jah.

"Nanti lepas kita dihisab, kalau kita banyak pahala kita masuk syurga", Kak Yana anak Mak Jah beritahu aisyah.

"Oh..masuk syurga. Berapa lama kita kat syurga?"

"Selama-lamanya lah"

"Selama-lamanya? Lepas tu?"

"Urm. Lepas tu?"

"Takde ending ke?"

"Urm. Kalau Allah nak tamatkan, Allah tamatkan lah kot. Diakan Maha Berkuasa"

"Lepas tu kita langsung dah takde ke?"

"Umm. Ye la kot"

Waktu tu petang. Langit dah kuning-kuning. Mak Jah dah mula tutup tingkap rumah, taknak nyamuk masuk rumah.

Aisyah tarik lagi selimut. Cepat la pagi..


current..

Year 2010

"Orang tak faham kenapa aisyah susah nak tidur. Kalau bagi orang, bukak buku microb, baca 3 pages mesti nak tidur. Takyah pill tidur"

Aisyah gelak. It's true, sometimes I am like you. After few pages of Kumar and Clark, all I want to do is tidur.

But teman, I don't wish you to understand me.


It's not easy for me to fall asleep. It's been like this for as long as I could remember. Otak dan badan rasa letih selepas tidur. Macam tak tidur satu malam.

But rest assure, aisyah tak setiaaaaaaap hari seperti itu. I do have days when I don't have problem to sleep. Kadang-kadang tidur sampai orang lain pun susah nak kejutkan!

It is just that on certain days, on a difficult days, I simply couldn't fall asleep. My mind keep on thinking and wandering until it cannot slow off.

Woan Shing once taught me to mediatate. She says,

"Aisyah, you thought tidur, tidur, tidur later you will tidur. I did this to myself"

Tapi..ni requires strong determination. So aisyah tak pernah berjaya. he he he

Stacey pulak pernah kata,

"Aisyah, try crying. Later you will feel tired so you will fall asleep easily".

Well this does works occasionally, tapi takkan nak menangis setiap kali tak boleh tidur??? Nanti pergi campus, orang tanya kenapa mata lebam (putus dengan boyfriend ke cik adik?? hoho!)

Sometimes, those who knows my predicament will offer advices to overcome this. Terharu kekadang. Thank you :)

Sleeping pills only came into picture last year. I didn't sleep for the whole 2 nights until both my hands start to tremble, I felt feverish and my eyes felt hot. Pokoknya I was damn miserable. So my housemates bought me the pills. Then, the pills are always there inside my kotak obat just in case.

I am not addicted to the pills if any of you guys thought of that! The longest I've taken it so far is only 3 nights. I love my 'hati' more than this ya.

Anywaaay, this is not a post to kasihankan aisyah. (tolonglah!)

I only intend to share what I feel. It is very depressing and very miserable when one cannot sleep. Your body feel very tired, but your mind never show sign to rest. So you keep on thinking of the most ridiculous and absurd things.

Bah!

Once, I read an article about everyone will have insomnia atleast once in their life time. So you know what I mean kan?

*wink wink*


I may not wish you to understand me, but atleast can you be here beside me?