Talking about beauty

I looked in the mirror.

There stands a girl, with big eyes and thick long eyelashes. Her baby hair messily on her forehead. Her nose, unsymmetrical on her chubby face are neither mancung or penyet. Her lips, cracked as always, but with a little touch of a lip balm, turns cherry shinny lips. Her skin not too dark or too fair, nor too oily or too dry. Pimples here and there on her double-chin round face completes her whole look.

I look Ok.

Maybe not beautiful, but I have the basics. Two eyes, a nose and a mouth. I am decent looking.

Through out my young years, I'm always insecure about my looks. Growing up naturally chubby and short, I made that as an excuse to believe I'm not pretty. An irony it is, when I was called "anak patung" by my aunties in my first 3-4 years of living. All because I had round eyes, chubby cheeks and curly hair. I am pretty! Or so I thought. As I grew up, then I realized, aren't all toddler are the most prettiest little thing?

Along the way, that insecurties stayed. Well, not really. It feels like what they said about life. As a wheel . Sometimes you're up in your game, sometimes you're down in the slum. Sometimes you feel you are the darn prettiest thing ever, then later, ugly as a mud fence.

But funny how looks are strongly associate with confidence.

I once read, that pretty people enjoy life more compare to the lesser pretty ones. Plus, will be treated better. This was done statistically with reviews on it. Not some strategic propaganda from the anesthetic world .Which is kinda true. I always feel I have more fun and will be treated well when I cucuk my mata with contact lense, wore my eyeliner and my best dress. Meh. Confidence push-up.

Apparently, beauty in a human's face, is when you have perfect symmetrical component in your face. The most beautiful person in Britain was awarded this title simply because "she had the perfect face with the “optimum ratio” between her eyes, mouth, forehead and chin". Mathematics do involve in beauty.

Then in my community, we have the typical perempuan cantik Melayu. The typical perempuan cantik Melayu or I shall call it Si Gadis Melayu, is the type of Malay beauty most Malay guys are easily attracted to. Most Malay guys I know that is.

She has to be fair (the putih the better), with long wavy black hair, nicely shaped lips and hourly shaped body (thin waist and big bottom unconciously means "uhhh fertile!). But it is not only the looks. No no, so much more. When she speaks, so soft and sweet. When she walks, her hips waved side to side slowly. And when she looks at you, so tender and honest, that you feel you want to swim into her eyes. Being malu and graceful, is her everyday dress..

That my friend, is Si Gadis Melayu.

So not me.

Wiki define beauty as something that provides perceptual experience of pleasure or satisfaction. Explanation why people love to be around pretty people. They're like pretty flowers attracting the bees. But to be fair, looks aren't everything when you don't have the right attitude aite? No bees go to a pretty flower with no honey.

But another kind of beauty is totally a different one. A spiritual one. A kind of beauty ignorance to human's opinion are essential. Only his Creator. His One and Only, His Al Mighty's opinion are all matters. Her daily make up is her wudu, her glow is her constant smile and her fancy clothes are ones tailored by God himself. A simple cloth covering every part of her body except the face and hands. As so when she walks, modesty is her perfume. It fills the air, the calm submission to the One God.

And that, is the most powerful beauty

Friends

Over time, people will change.

 An of course over the course of 5 years, some of my friends too.

From someone you're really close too, your best bud, to someone you hardly meet, hardly converse. But why am I complaining, if the change is for a greater purpose?

From someone you can always depend on, who will always have your back, to someone who seems ignorant, bitter, selfish,. What happen to you man? Does Koas change you that much? But then again, why am I complaining, if it's his way of bringing his competitiveness, too become a better doctor.

From a group of people you usually hang out- talk laugh share, to a group of people who just doesn't care anymore. It's only left memory. Why care, when you can find another better group of people? But again, why complaining, when you know it won't last at the first place?

When, it happens. It happens. You can't change your friends. You just lived by. You've change too.

>> Time I

" You are nothing but a number of days,

whenever a day passes by,

a part of you passes by"

Hassan Al Basri

Updates

Only When I Sleep by The Corrs

Salam and ola folks,

Paediatrics department have been good so far. I am doing my clinicals for 9 weeks in Klaten. The doctors are awesome, the residents are helpful, and the nurses are nice (thank god!).

So far so good Alhamdullilah.

Oh and may this,

come true next year. Geram!

Till then, 

Cheers! :)

The Internet Patient

Voice by Baek Ji Young ft Gary Lee sang

Salam and ola folks!

Just came back from my short 7 days holiday in Malaysia. Days was well spent babysitting Zulaikha and Husna, and of course Baby Hanan (though I refused to cuci her 'natural aftermath'. Haha). Met some high school friends, the usual trio, plus a good friend of mine whom I haven't met for 4 years. And may I add she was exceptionally different! Hotter babe!

Other than that, I usually hang out with my sister in her bedroom. While she nurses Baby Hanan, we would talk and talk. The topic ranges from her pregnancy experiences to Baby Hanan's variety poop colors to the emotional roller coaster of the whole deal.

My kakak if I must say, is an avid reader. When she came back from the States for good, she wanted to bring back 2 large boxes filled with her books. My dad suggested to sell some it off. She was furious. That 2 boxes arrive Malaysia safely with none books being sold.

Eventhough I know this, it was still a surprise to see her laying on the bed in the quiet semi dark room nursing Baby Hanan in one hand; swaying her once in a while, whilst the other hand holding an Ipad, reading attentively articles Googled about her baby. All this with a slight light shine on her face from the Ipad- the only source of light in the room. It was quite a picturesque really. I've never seen anything like it!

And all this time I thought, she would read less once she has a baby. Meh!

Anyway, with that much of reading, comes with a lot of questions directed to me. Ah, that moment you wish you are not a medical student. She was well inform about her condition (she did emergency C-sect) and her baby's condition. When I mean by well inform, I do mean well inform for a non med standard. Example like how breastmilk consistency differs through the day, or the breastmilk vs formula milk pros and cons, or reasoning of certain actions to the baby.

I tried to answer some of her questions, but often time, it'll be her explaining to me. Malu! My solution...kept repeating I haven't enter pediatric department! Hahaha! That excuses saved me BIG TIME!

Then it hits me that there'll be more patients such my sister.

Internet after all, is just another click away right?

I tried recounting any patients like my sister in my last 1 year internship in Indonesia, but sadly, only 3 cases came in mine. This is partly due to patients we encounter as a Koas are from the poor classes. As such, most of them are poorly educated and do not know their rights as a patient. Some just accept whatever the doctor does without asking the relevant of such treatment or procedure. When I asked, they either are too scared to ask questions or just wholly trust the doctor.

Which I am not saying, you can't trust your doctor. No. But knowing you have rights to ask questions to your doctors or other medical personal are important. It is after all a part of the job.

But when we do meet patients who ask a lot (or mind too much), irritation starts to build up. I know a doctor who refused to go to a patient's room because his patient was too fussy. Or a nurse who complaints about another patient because she cares too much.

Fening, fening.

Nevertheless, lesson I learned from my kakak is,
1) You have to be patient answering your patient's questions. They have the right to be inform about their condition.
2) I still have tons and tons to read and learn. *sigh*
3) Do not hate patient who reads from the Internet much. Hehehe.

Till then,
Cheers! :)

News updates

Salam and ola folks!

It has been awhile heh? Right now I am at my 4th last stations before I'll finish my clinicals. Do you read that!! Another 4 stations, and I will graduate! Graduate dude, graduaaaattteeeee!

How time flies they kept on saying, oh how true is that!

I remember how I wish to finish med school fast and come back to Malaysia as soon as possible. But as the days past, you've grown fond to the people around you, to the lifestyle and culture you're slowly accustomed to, to the comfort zone you build unnoticed within that 5 years.

So naturally the thought of going back to your so called "birth home" suddenly scares the hell out of you. I know for a fact, that everytime I come back to Malaysia during my holidays, I'll eventually start to miss Yogyakarta, An irony it is, since when I'm in Yogya, I kept longing for Malaysia. I shall call my behaviour "rindu undecided". Heh!

But one thing sure, part of this insecurities contributes from how unsure I am about my competency as a doctor back home. The thought of senior doctors being mean, impatient and generalize you as incompetent just because you're an Indonesian graduates, seriously taunt me. But hey! Keep myself positive I shall! As Hema often says, you can't be good in something overnight. You need your failures and mistakes first.

Anyway, enough with the insecurities, and move on with the news updates!

First and foremost, there is a new addition in my family!

Hanan binti Mohd Najib

Semua cucu Mak Tok: Zulaikha, Husna dan Hanan

Meet my 3rd niece, Hanan binti Mohd. Najib! Or according to Mohd. Akhir Clan registration number, the lucky number 90. In fact, my 2 other cousins, gave birth to their children around the same month with my sister. So we, keluarga Tok Wan Mat Akhir are really proud to have an addition 3 beautiful babies into our big family *big big grin*

Then, news from my abang poyot. It seems that year 2012 brings a lot of "spotlight" to him. He was in Malaysia Hari Ini and News Strait Times promoting Anugerah Pekomik 2012, and of course promoting the Malaysia comic scenes to the Malaysians.

As some may know, I am a big supporter of my abang poyot (even though I'm not a fan of his drawings. Hihi. Sorry bang! Aisyah lagi suka Adijin nye drawings). But knowing that he is working hard, struggling to something that most Malaysians doesn't acknowledge much (comic what?) but still, with that satisfactory smile? Hey, how many of us can happily say they are chasing their dreams huh? So yeah, for me that's courageous.

Abang poyot

As for me, Coas life has been good. There are some ups and downs, tears shed, anger unleashed, jealousy evokes, but I take that as some emotions exercise. Heh! My groupmates on the other hand, has been fun to work with throughout this bittersweet journey (Ok, maybe just for now. Haha).

Anesthesiology Department

Jalan-jalan cari makan

Other than that, I am happily enjoying my cooking side.

So till then,
Cheers! :)

Emo lagi aisyah?

Salam,

Dah lama tak berblog. Nak start balik pun macam susah. Words tak keluar gituh. Tu la pasal previous blog simple-simple seperti previous post mengenai attempt nak paint balik. Seriously aisyah? Macam derrrrrrrr.

Tapi sekarang tengah ada mood nak blog pasal kenapa Tuhan tak memberikan sesuatu yang kau paling nak sangat?

Tunggu dulu. Ini bukan blog berfikiran serious. Atau tak bersykur dengan apa yang dah ada. Cuma luahan hati. ewah. Luahan hati lagi. Skit-skit emo la kan.

Apa yang saya maksudkan adalah, bagi saya, benda yang saya terkilan adalah, kenapa lah diri ini memori tak bagus. Pastu blur lagi. Ok, maybe tak seharusnya menyalahkan Tuhan. Sebab tuhan kan dah menciptakan sebaik-baik manusia. Memang betul pun. Itu, saya sangat sangat percaya.

Cuma kadang-kadang rasa sedih pada diri sendiri. Blur dan lembab terkadang tak terhingat. Kadang-kadang fikir, sebab berfikir dan berangan sangat kot. Macam ada mamat nih pernah cakap la kan "Aisyah, ko tu sebenarnya malas nak berfikir". Nak rendam kepala dalam baldi air es pleaseeee. Tapi sebab hal nih, mulalah benda-benda kecil jadi seperti benda-benda besar.

Contoh satu: kes hafal nama cikgu

Ni tak tawlah. Dari dulu, memang susah nak ingat nama dokter mengajar. Ada teman boleh jea ingat lecture apa diorang ajar dan semua. Impress giler. Giler impress. Sebab tahu tak, gara-gara taknak jadi macam seperti itu, siap hafal lagi taw. Tulis kat buku. Tapi benda yang sepatutnya datang second hand nature jadi sesuatu yang need effort. Tiba-tiba jadi unnecessary stress. sungguh tidak diperlukan

Contoh dua: recalling

Maybe ada masalah pendengaran, tapi bila orang kasi instruction, pasti jadi pekak. Mula lah berkerut samil "Ha? Ha?". Pastu bila dah dengar jelas, ada masalah recall pulak. Yang sedih bila orang lain dah cop diri ni orang tak boleh pakai kalau dia dengar sesuatu. Sedih ohhh sedih. Habis self esteem nih. Kadang-kadang tuh bukan tak taw isinya, tapi tak boleh put into words, and that goes into contoh ketiga

Contoh ketiga: Put into words

Selalu bila dah taw inti, masalah kedua adalah put into words. Homgd. Ni lagi satu masalah. Lyrics nyanyi salah. Cerita jadi mix up. Event dah kacau. Atau jadi orang b**** cuba nak ingat balik satu words yang selalu disebut, tapi tak boleh nak cakap. helo! Erghhhh! Sebab itulah takut nak mengajar. Walalupun dalam hati nak jer mengajar (mengajar kan cool) Tapi gara-gara tak confident dengan apa yang dibaca (sebab keraguan memorila kan) bila nak cerita balik, mencari-cari words untuk explian. Galau!. Stress! Lagi-lagi bila selalu ingat proverb "if you can't teach means you don't really understand?" wah, nak nangis.

Tapi terkadang nak hiburkan hati sendiri, selalu pikir, maybe kalau aku good memory dan pandai maybe akan sombong. Maybe akan rasa diri superior dari orang lain, atau rasa diri jea benar. Ada je banyak orang macam tuh kan? Rasa nak sepak je, rasa nak belajar lebih pandai jer supaya dia tak pikir dia selalu betul, taknak dia pandang rendah pada orang orang lain. Taknak dia fikri dia jer betul, orang lain tak. Helooooo ko fikir ko bagus sangat ker?!!

Ok emo emo. Chill chill.

So nak taknak, kena sentiasa yakin diri, dan tidak berputus asa nak improvekan diri. Maybe ni challenge untuk diri sendiri. Maybe nih kelemahan sendiri. or maybe sebab memang pemalas nak ingat? Maybe maybe.

Tapi tapi, I wish wish I have good memory Atleast I wont dissapoint my patients. :'(